Posted to the internets with little to no chance of distinct authorship, this text has been circulating for at handful of months before Bears & Vodka’s own Stass Stallin translated it. For your enjoyment, ladies and gentlemen. For this bitter kind of enjoyment you get when you read something so true and so sad at the same time.
1. The Soviet man has a strong belief that his personal well-being is the government’s concern and a sacred responsibility. Providing a well-paid job, free education, free healthcare and accommodation—if that’s not what the government is supposed to do, then do we have any use for it at all?
2. The Soviet man doesn’t really like to work. Because he always thinks he is underpaid. The Soviet man’s favorite saying is “they pretend they’re paying us and we’ll pretend are working.”
3. Drinking vodka and smoking home-grown is a must for true Soviet man. Otherwise he will look VERY suspicious. General public will think he’s not a genuine Soviet man, nothing short of a bad joke. Or even a saboteur.
4. The Soviet man is, to say the least, not really trustworthy. He tends to steal everything. And he does not reckon he is dong something wrong.
5. The Soviet man does not believe in God, does not fast, has not heard anything about the Commandments. But he goes to church from 1991 on. Just in case: what if He does exist? However, he has no doubt that the earthy heaven is the USSR. The only icon in the Soviet man’s house is the Stalin’s portrait.
6. The Soviet man believes in fairness. “It is not fair: he is not better than me, or is he? Then, take away and share.”
7. Politics falls out the circle of the Soviet man’s interests. “It’s none of our business. Those guys know better. All decisions have already been made. I do not make a change at all.” Still, the same soviet man rushes early in the morning to the electoral district to vote for the only candidate. And the soviet man takes it.В Any alternatives are the elaborate illusion created by the Governmental Department.
8. Unions are very important for the Soviet man. If it were not for the unions, how would he get hotel vouchers? As for the rest, the unions should keep a low profile and mouths shut, and play along with the superiors. Those guys always know better.
9. The Soviet man’s pink dream is to get free stuff. That is why he always buys lottery tickets and other raffle stuff. He ventures out boldly to participate in any shady schemes promising unbelievable profits. Believing in Ponzi schemes and chain letters is also required to be a proper Soviet man.
10. The Soviet man is sure that the laws have nothing to do with real life. Keeping to the rules and restrictions is not always good. And sometimes, if the laws contradict with common sense, it is great even to break some of them, for the sake of great justice. Or for the sake of convenience: isn’t it faster to cross the street right in the middle without searching for the zebra marking? It is. Giving a bribe makes any line much shorter. And the traffic tickets cheaper.
11. You can easily distinguish a Soviet man in any line by his likelihood to squeeze in up aganst the person in front of him. It is to make sure that a jerk (other Soviet man) can not get in between. The soviet man has learned through experience that going to any Soviet store means being cheated and short-dealt, but he is too lazy to check the prices and too shy to use check-weighing machine.
12. If somebody in the line argues with the salesperson, the Soviet man always sides with the salesman, teller, administrator etc. The Sovet man confronts the “pusher”: ‘Don’t mess up the business, go away!’ he does not like the salesmen himself, though. He calls them hucksters and money-grubbers and he is pretty sure that the business is all about stealing. Which is not necessarily false.
The soviet man is unlikely to stand up for his dignity being oppressed at the box offices, agencies and bureaus. He prefers to swallow an insult and go home. Because he thinks that the things can always go worse. And he is right. Because if the Soviet cops show up… no, it is always safer to shut up.
It seems that the Soviets are a pathetic gloomy nation with no real life, no dignity, no freedom. And it might be true. Or not. You decide.
